


Fortunate Mishaps

by fhsa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Drabble, Drama, Episode Related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-01-24
Updated: 2004-01-24
Packaged: 2019-02-05 17:28:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12798990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fhsa_archivist/pseuds/fhsa_archivist
Summary: Written for Cleo, who wanted both of them drunk, and for Signe's Intoxication Challenge.





	Fortunate Mishaps

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

Lex was sprawled on the couch, almost falling off it, really. He was also in imminent danger of dribbling wine down his hand-tailored shirt as he waved his wineglass about in the air, using it to illustrate some point. Clark's eyes followed the glass through the air while Lex's voice droned on and on about how some long-dead General's campaign paralleled his recent takeover of something called Blaucorp. Except Clark had to snicker every time because it almost sounded like Lex was saying "Blow Corp." and Clark figured that had to be a company that specialized in blow jobs. Or something. But oh shit, now Clark was spilling his wine all over his pants. And they were pants Lex bought him for Christmas, and somehow that was now the funniest thing ever in the history of the world and Clark started laughing so hard that Lex actually stopped talking about the dead General blowing him and damn, that was even funnier! 

 

"Clark, quit laughing," Lex sputtered. "I'm trying to explain my strategy to you." Except it came out kind of slurred but with the attempted precision that only someone truly three sheets to the wind drunk can muster. "What is wrong with you?" Lex continued, punctuating each word with a slight wave of his glass.

 

"Bwahahaha!" Clark replied, falling off the couch. 

 

"Clark!" Lex stood up then, or tried to, but ended up mostly wobbling his way over to Clark, who was now lying on the floor, giggling, and wiping tears from his eyes. Around him, the broken shards of his own wineglass glistened. 

 

Clark could only stare at Lex, all the while giggling, until finally he composed himself enough to screech "you bought me pants!"

 

Lex stepped backwards, crunching a glass shard beneath his heel. "You needed pants. You put pants on your Christmas list, so I bought you pants."

 

Damn! Lex looked like he was going to cry. Lex hadn't looked like he was about to cry in years. It had been at least since they had both left Smallville, Clark for college at Met U and Lex to immerse himself in Lexcorp's growth. "Poor Lex," Clark thought. "He looks so sweet when he cries." That thought set off another round of laughter, which only made Lex more upset.

 

"Are you always like this when you are drunk?"

 

"Don't know. Never been drunk before!" Clark managed to stand partway up, still giggling. 

 

"Oh, just high, then."

 

"Huh? No, never been high."

 

"Borrowing my Ferrari, running up mom and dad's credit cards, and there were no drugs involved?"

 

"Uh, n ..no."

 

"So, no drugs, huh? Drugs are a delusion."

 

What the hell did that mean? Clark did not want to try to figure it out. Clark wanted to laugh. Lex didn't want to laugh. Lex wanted to solve the world's problems, or at least the mystery that was Clark Kent. And that just would not do. Thinking quickly, though drunkenly, Clark launched himself at Lex with deliberate slowness, intending to tickle him into a state of confusion. As he teetered forward, Lex's expression became at first questioning and then frightened and finally, just as Clark reached out to tickle, Lex stepped backwards out of his reach. But Clark had momentum on his side and barreled into his friend's chest, taking them both back down to the ground and landing Lex squarely atop the broken glass.

 

"Fuck, Clark! You broke my ass!" Lex shouted. 

 

"Oh, shit, Lex, I'm sorry!"

 

"Help me get up." And Clark tried, but he was still wobbly enough that he couldn't quite catch hold of Lex's outstretched hand. 

 

"Dammit, Clark just pick me up."

 

And so he did, lifting Lex into the air as if he were a paper airplane or lace doily and setting him on the couch, which elicited yet another scream from Lex.

 

"Not on my ass, Clark!" 

 

"Sorry! Sorry!" Clark picked Lex up again, this time setting him on his stomach. There was no glass protruding from Lex's rear-end, but there obviously had been, at some point, as his pants were now spotted with a small bit of blood. After a quick x-ray to determine that there was no glass broken off under the skin, Clark crawled his way up to Lex's head, looked down at him, and kissed him on the tip of his nose.

 

"Clark, you just kissed my nose."

 

"Well, I wasn't going to kiss your ass."

 

"Wha?" Lex started to ask, finally beginning to laugh a little himself, causing Clark to sway and grab onto the back of the couch.

 

"Mom always kissed my booboos to make them better. I had to kiss your booboo better, but I'm not going to kiss your ass."

 

Lex snorted in reply. "Would you at least get me a bandage for my ass? No, first get me another drink. Then get me a bandage for my ass."

 

Clark hopped off of Lex and the couch, and staggered off in search of more wine and a first aid kit.

 

***

 

The wine was good. Somehow over the last three years in Metropolis, Lex had managed to educate his favorite farm boy in the more sophisticated ways of the world. Clark had chosen a merlot, the perfect accompaniment to drunken pain and suffering. The young man was now perched on the edge of a nearby chair, watching him sip from his goblet while hanging halfway off the couch. It was a horribly difficult way to drink, but his crash on top of the glass hadn't quite sobered him, and he was reluctant to attempt standing at the moment. Clark looked absolutely miserable, which was too bad really, because he'd looked so much cuter when he was all giggly. 

 

"You should get a new glass and have some of this, Clark. It's really good." 

 

'Um, I probably better not. I already made a big mess and hurt you."

 

"You're going to let me drink alone? That's not nice, Clark."

 

"Lex, really, it's getting late and I still have to, um, have to put a bandage on you." 

 

Clark looked scared now. Good. He was almost where Lex wanted him. 

 

"I think it will be a lot less difficult for you to deal with my ass if you've had another drink, Clark."

 

"It's not ... I'm not ... I ..."

 

"Go get a wineglass and pour yourself a glass of wine, Clark. And then pour me another. I'm going to try to stand up now."

 

Lex held his almost-empty glass out to Clark, who, after a moment's hesitation, stood and took the glass, but instead of walking to the sideboard for more wine, hovered nearby while Lex, grabbing hold of the couch and pushing himself up, managed a mostly upright position. "I'm okay from here," he said, gesturing towards the sideboard. Clark hesitated again, but finally went to get them both fresh drinks. They drank silently for a few moments, then Lex retrieved the bottle, himself. Clark was still looking pale and morose. Apparently the trip to the bathroom to find bandages had been enough to sober the young man up and as big as he was, one glass of wine wasn't going to be nearly enough to return him to a drunken, laughing state. Lex refilled both their glasses, then made his decision. It was time to bring out the big guns.

 

"I know you didn't like the brandy that one time I got you to try it, but you haven't tried Grand Marnier have you?"

 

"Gramma's what?" Clark asked, eyes full of bewilderment.

 

"Grand Marnier. It's an orange liquor. It's very good and a little sweet. I think there's a bottle inside here. Yes, good, there is. I could go for something a little stronger now, myself." Lex poured small servings of the amber liquor into two snifters, and after handing one to Clark, inhaled the contents of his own, deeply. "Mmmmmm, delicious," Lex sighed. 

 

Clark, eyes wide-open, watched as Lex finally took a sip of the drink. Then, bowing his own head, first sniffed, then sipped at his glass.

 

"What is this stuff?" Clark asked, taking another sip. "It's not as gross as the brandy. It makes me feel ... warm."

 

"It's good stuff, isn't it? It's made from cognac."

 

"Isn't that just fancy brandy?"

 

"Cognac is double-distilled like brandy, yes, but it comes from the Cognac region of France."

 

"Oh, so it's like French wine, sorta. It's named after where it's from."

 

"Sort of. Yes. You've learned well, Clark." But Lex wasn't interested in educating Clark on fine Cognac and liquors on this particular evening. He just wanted him drunk. 

 

"What makes it not take gross?"

 

"Orange peels and sugar." Clark had finished his snifter. Good. "Have a little more. I think the taste will grow on you."

 

Clark complied, this time taking bigger sips and finishing his glass in record time. Lex wasn't sure if it was an effort to make the upcoming bandaging of his ass less off-putting or Clark was just enjoying the Grand Marnier. Either way, he seemed to have relaxed considerably in the last few moments. 

 

"You should try strawberries soaked in it sometime," Lex said, meaning to make idle conversation while Clark continued to drink and relax.

 

"Strawberries? Do you have strawberries?" There was an interesting gleam in Clark's eye. 

 

"They're not in season, but yes, I have some hothouse strawberries. I usually serve them at my New Year's party."

 

"And cream?"

 

"I always have cream in the house. My staff knows better than to neglect the staple supplies."

 

"Let's have dessert."

 

"Okay, but let's get taking my pants off over with, first."

 

Clark snickered, and for the first time in half an hour, Lex was certain his goal was in sight. Two glasses of the good stuff and Clark was as good as his. He poured them both another glass. "Let's both have one more. I have a feeling it's going to hurt, a lot, when I take my pants off. You may have to kiss my nose again."

 

Clark grinned back at him, and downed the content of his glass in one gulp. 

 

"That's going to hit you pretty hard in a moment."

 

"Hopefully not as hard as I hit you."

 

"Well, yes, ..." But now Clark was standing mere inches away from him and almost leering. 

 

"Let's get these pants off you and have dessert."

 

Surely Clark didn't realize how that sounded. Or maybe he did, because suddenly his pants and his underpants were both gone. How had he done that? Maybe all the alcohol was staring to make him fuzzy again, but he could have sworn Clark just tore his pants off and both Clark and the pants seemed to have disappeared!

 

If Lex's ass hadn't been so sore, he would have sat down on the couch. As it was, he had to stand there, dizzily wondering what had happened. But before he could even look around, Clark was back, sans Lex's pants, but holding a bowl of bright red strawberries in one hand and a bowl of whipped cream in the other. The Hell?

 

"Pants off. Time for dessert." Clark stated, as if the situation were obvious.

 

"Um, are you going to bandage me?"

 

"Oh, yeah. Okay. Lie on the couch."

 

Fortunately Lex was considerably inebriated himself at this point. Because Clark had become rather fuzzy and was beginning to make sense. Pulling his shirt down in a futile attempt at modesty, Lex managed to mutter "you will not put whipped cream on my ass!" over his shoulder while he lay down. Clark snickered some more, but behaved reasonably well, though the cold, stingy liquid he applied to the puncture wound was very unpleasant. Still, Lex had to give him credit for being able to apply a soft, snuggly attached bandage to his squirming body. 

 

The bandaging completed, Lex felt himself being hauled off the couch again. Clark reached over to the nearby table where he'd placed the bowls, dunked one of the strawberries in first the Grand Marnier, then in whipped cream and touched it to Lex's lips. Lex poked the tip of his tongue out and licked a tiny bit of the liquor and cream into his mouth, savoring the mixture of flavors. Clark still held the strawberry to his lips, so he bit into it, taking small bites to make the treat last. 

 

It was Clark's turn, next, and Lex let the strawberry he planned to feed him linger in the liquor for a few moments, soaking up flavor and alcohol before he dipped it in the fluffy cream and held it to Clark's lips. Clark licked the cream off the berry, completely, before sucking it into his mouth. It was, hands down, the most sensual sight Lex had ever seen. The berry, being sucked between those luscious lips, had to be the luckiest fruit on the planet.

 

Expecting another strawberry, Lex closed his eyes and opened his mouth. Another berry was placed there and Lex sighed as he bit into it. He reached for another strawberry to feed Clark, but suddenly things were out of whack. Lex was still standing, but Clark, rather than standing with him, was now kneeling beneath him, and reaching up to unbutton the bottom buttons of his shirt.

 

"Clark, what are you doing?"

 

"Your nose is too far away."

 

"Okay, I am drunk. But I am not drunk enough to understand that."

 

"Your nose is too far away from your ass. That's why kissing it didn't make you better. I have to kiss something closer." 

 

Lex gulped, grabbing onto the couch for support, as Clark's tongue reached out to take a tentative lick at his cock. It wasn't kissing, but Lex wasn't about to argue the point. His cock springing suddenly to full arousal, Lex leaned back against the couch as much as he could without bumping the sore spot, while Clark held on to his hips and began licking wide stripes up and down his cock. While far from expert, Clark was quite enthusiastic and Lex felt his cock growing harder and harder. It was blissful and wonderful and oh God, now Clark was swallowing him and it felt damn good! Lex felt himself coming closer and closer to the edge and then, oh God, he was coming in Clark's mouth and oh God, Clark was swallowing! 

 

Completely drained, Lex sank to his knees and held Clark's face with both hands, pulled his head down, gently and pressed his lips to Clark's. His tongue nudged Clark's lips, seeking entrance and when Clark acquiesced, Lex kissed him deeply and thoroughly. 

 

***

 

Clark thought this was probably the best possible way to wake up, ever: snuggled in a warm, soft, big bed, wrapped around Lex's body. At first, he wasn't entirely sure how he got there, or why his head hurt so much and the light streaming in the windows was such an annoyance. Then Lex began to stir a little and realization hit home hard. 

 

"Oh, crap!" Clark thought. "What did I do?" Lex was now fully awake, though, and he wasn't going to have time to sort things out on his own.

 

"Clark, did you break my ass last night?"

 

"Um, sort of. Yeah."

 

"Did you give me a blow job to make up for it?"

 

Clark's heart stopped. "Um, yeah." He could feel the full-body blush taking over.

 

"How do you feel?"

 

"Um. Okay, I guess. I've felt better."

 

"I'm sorry, Clark. I shouldn't have gotten you so drunk. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that."

 

"You didn't take advantage of me. I ... um, Lex?"

 

"Clark, I did! I should never have ..."

 

"Lex, are you mad at me for giving you um, for ... I mean, I know you like girls and I shouldn't have assumed it would be okay, but you were drunk and I was drunk and horny and, and, I'm sorry!"

 

"You're apologizing for getting me off? Clark, I'm the one who should apologize. I broke out the strong stuff in order to get you drunk."

 

"You did? Why? And you're not mad at me?"

 

"No, no! Mad at you? Why did you? You were horny? Was it the drinking or taking off my pants?"

 

It had to be impossible, but Clark felt his full-body blush deepen. It was time for distraction. "Um ... you didn't answer my question, Lex."

 

"Oh. Well, you were just so cute when you were laughing. And then you got all serious and upset. I wanted you laughing again."

 

"Oh."

 

"Clark, it's okay. Really. I mean, I liked it. A lot."

 

"You did?"

 

"Yes, I did. It was wonderful. My years and years of flirting with you finally paid off." Lex grinned back at him.

 

"I guess I'd always hoped you were flirting, but I wasn't sure, so, well, I didn't want to mess up our friendship by asking."

 

"So you broke my ass and gave me a blow job instead?" Lex said, laughing.

 

"Hey, it's all or nothing with me," Clark replied. He was smiling back, finally. The world was good. They still had lots of air to clear, but Lex wasn't mad at him and, in fact, liked fooling around with him. And New Year's Eve was just two days away and he'd be spending it with Lex this year, so maybe for once he'd get to kiss someone he loved at midnight. And then, things got even better ...

 

"Hey, I think there are some strawberries left, if you're hungry."

 

*End*


End file.
